2:26 a.m. // 01 February 2004

I put a tangerine studded with cloves in the toaster oven because I wanted to dry it out. Instead it singed and now the house smells of burnt tangerines and blackened cloves and chocolate.

It was josh P.'s birthday and so dwayne and I joined him and n.P. for brunch, as well as dinner (I accidentally took a two-hour break from work). d. bought the magnetic fields 69 love songs vol. 2 for me. I've been missing it for two and a half years. THANK YOU, DWAYNE.

I got off work and found everyone else at the Neil Hmbrgr show at J&J's. Dwayne had a spot right up front so even though I didn't necessarily want to, I had one of the best seats in the basement. I thought the show was funny (haha) and funny (odd, and interesting to observe -- mannerisms, methods, gears spinning).

(((then I felt funny after the show because a photo fluttered past my eyes that I didn't want to see, a reminder of the weird bad awful party at jeff's house. Jeff was showing it to somebody else. for some reason the photo, the reminder of that night that a stupid trick filled me with an explosive kind of anger, the photo made me want to retreat into myself and I didn't want to talk to anybody or do anything or move a lot or anything. then nobody talked to me and I felt abandoned and I felt abandoned for dwayne; just because we don't want to go drink doesn't mean we can't be invited places. then I didn't know what to do. then all I wanted to do was walk and walk but dwayne didn't even have a proper coat. then I jerked away whenever he tried to touch me because I didn't want to feel anything, or do anything.

(((then at home I looked at my design book from the library and dwayne fell asleep on the couch and now two hours later I feel normal again, mostly.)))

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